Children

Mom, Your Child-Like Spirit Was Genius

The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity – Aldous Huxley

When I was about nine I remember my mother strapping on roller skates and taking me for a spin on the carport that sat just below our house.  I also remember her taking my sister, brother and I to the top of our motor home,  in the middle of the desert, with canvas and paints in hand so we could paint the sunset.  How cool is that?  At the time, I couldn’t appreciate her child-like enthusiasm for life but now I draw upon it as if it were a part of my very existence.   I love these memories of my mom because she was so unconventional and she didn’t think like a grown-up.  I’m certain her child-like enthusiasm gave me a piece of my inner self that otherwise would not exist.  Whether I knew it or not, spending this kind of play time with her was a huge confidence booster and made me feel secure inside. 

This brings me to one of the core pieces of the H.A.P.P.Y. plan, “Playful Parenting”.  I think most parents naturally play fun games with their kids but this is a subject worth revisiting because we live in a crazy busy, high-stress world with computer games, movies-on-demand, Ipods, Ipads, etc.  and the child who may be struggling with a family related crisis could definitely benefit from a dose of play-time with mom or dad.

Over the weekend I attended a friends baby shower and the group was asked to individually fill out a card with a bit of parenting advice for the new mother.  I spontaneously wrote down an idea for a really fun kitchen game that I used when my daughter was  between the ages of 3-6.   I would spread a large piece of wax paper on my kitchen counter and pour prepared chocolate pudding on the wax paper.  We would then begin drawing the most wonderful pudding art in the world that was spectacular if I do say so myself.  The best part was licking the pudding off our fingers while we were painting!  I was kind of proud of myself for remembering this idea, after all, it’s been quite a few years since my daughter and I spent the afternoon making pudding art.  What I remember most, however, is how much fun we had.  As she became older our playtime changed; there were Barbie’s, American Girls, bike riding, roller blading and now it’s ”family game night” or “girls night out” (which is a great excuse for getting dressed up for dinner and a movie).  

Spending time with your child regardless of age, creates security and stability and eventually shows up in their self-confidence and self-esteem.   And as it turns out, it’s not only good for your kids, it’s good for you too.  If you’re in the midst of a family crisis, whether its divorce, financial problems or some other issue, you can bet your child is feeling the stress of the situation.  So dig deep, find your inner child and become a playful parent today…relax, enjoy and give them the most valuable gift you can give - your time.

Be Careful, Contents are Fragile

After a conversation with a friend of mine this week,  I was reminded of how fragile a child can become when managing emotions and life while their parents go through a divorce.  This was one of the subjects that prompted me to even begin working on H.A.P.P.Y.   I found I had come in contact with many other single mom’s concerned about this same issue and quite frankly, we were all muddling through and hoping we were handling things well.   

Most children enter and exit an extremely fragile state while trying to navigate their emotions during divorce.   So our jobs as mothers becomes even more demanding as we find ourselves the key to helping our children overcome this fragile state and move into a more secure and stable emotional place. 

Now that I’ve revisited this subject, I thought I’d send out a bit of mommy wisdom for those of you that are in the same situation I was in a few short years ago.

If you are a single mom reading this and asking yourself, “is my child still in this fragile state and if so, how do I fix it?”   I’m not a family counselor so my first recommendation is to see one.  I believe in getting a good family counselor that you can see on a regular basis or when you feel everything is becoming too much to bear.  A good counselor will guide you through helpful steps specifically for your family needs.   Secondly, there are a few basic things that you can do at home that I found effective with my daughter as we were trying to adjust to divorce.  

I 100% believe in the power of a positive attitude (Go Zig!)  So #1 is as expected:

1.  Keep a positive attitude or as a very good friend of mine always says…”keep your head high” (which is her German version of stay positive)

I feel this should be repeated because a healthy attitude and positive view on life is good medicine.  I don’t want to oversimplify the situation and I don’t expect anyone to glide like a ballerina around the house singing ”Zippidy Doo Da” ; however, it’s like baking a cake, if you use quality ingredients and follow the recipe to the best of your ability, you will have created a beautiful cake that is ready for the frosting.  Your child (the cake) will be ready for life (the frosting).

2.  HUG ME time…refer to my earlier post on this subject.

3.  Turn off TV, phones and computer and have dinner together.  Talk, laugh, tell jokes, whatever it takes to focus on them for at least 30 minutes.  And don’t talk to much, let them do most of the talking; listen as much as possible.  Listening to your children tell stories and showing interest in what is important to them will light up their little brains and their hearts.

4.  Go to Church, Synagogue, Mass, Temple, etc.  Take them to a place of serenity, respect and quiet even if it’s just a few times a month.  This is not only a benefit to them, but to you as well.  There’s just something so peaceful, enriching and calming about spending a few moments listening to spiritual instruction and participating in spiritual reverence.  It rejuvenates the soul.

5.  Don’t tear down your Ex in front of your kids. 

Our little guys and gals can only handle so much, so if you fight with your ex or display your anger in front of your children on a regular basis and say things that tear him down, your child will potentially do one of two things; retreat or rebel.  Both are equally serious.   If your situation is dire, go see a family counselor and vent to them, not your children.  I’ve witnessed the damage of a newly single mom who cannot seem to wrap her arms around her situation.  My heart hurts for her because I’ve experienced the same feelings and I understand the frustration but at some point we have to pick ourselves up and move forward for the beautiful little people in our lives.  It’s ultimately our responsibility to be sure their hearts and their minds are healthy and maturing at a normal pace.

One last recommendation is a book that I’ve found to be extremely insightful and helped me to understand my daughters emotional behaviour and needs.  I recommend reading The Five Love Languages of Children and/or the Love Languages of a Teenager by Gary Chapman.  I’ve recommended this book before because it gave me important insight and ultimately helped me as I parented my daughter through divorce.

Keep in mind all situations are different, some more serious than others; however, these five simple steps worked for me and my daughter.  None of us need to reinvent the wheel, so try them on for size and see how they fit.  You may find your home a happier place and your children loving life just a bit more.

For Cecelia

I completely and wholeheartedly love being a mom.   I love everything right down to the complete exhaustion I feel at the end of a very, very long day.  I know this sounds crazy, but I  try to soak up all the moments I have with my child because I want to remember them for as long as I possibly can.  Why, I wonder?  Why is motherhood so fulfilling, so satisfying, so completely wonderful?   Why do we, as women, get to a point where we want to mother something?  Why am I able to push myself as hard as I do and still come home to simply do it all over again and be content with that?  It’s because I’m feeding and tending a beautiful garden of life and I get to be a part of watching this garden of loveliness grow into a beautiful young woman.  And at some point, if I’ve done my job well, she will enter the world and the world will become a better place because she is in it. 

I cherish the thought that every single day I get to teach her, love her, share with her, dream with her and show her how to be the woman I know she can be.  It’s not a simple task; it’s complicated and time-consuming, but the reward is so great that its difficult to put it into words.  There are times when I feel as if I might have failed her or myself, but then, miraculously, she does something that makes me realize I am indeed doing things right and she is listening.

There really isn’t anything else in this world that gives me the same kind of satisfaction as watching my child exceed at life.  I watch her navigate through troublesome teenage dilemmas, learn how to manage her time, pursue her dreams, develop friendships and gain confidence.  It’s not easy allowing her to do things on her own, I guess its normal to want to do things for her but I force myself to let her be and let her discover her true abilities and reach her potential.  Sometimes she interprets this as my lack of interest in her life but I know deep down I’m doing what needs to be done; making her test her wings so that someday she will fly on her own.

I’m writing this mostly because I’ve been reflecting on motherhood quite a bit in the past week.   Someone I love lost a very special mother and my heart is hurting from the inside out.   I sat silently and watched closely, through my tears, as each of her children paid tribute to her; their rock, their center.  One by one, the memories were recalled as they came together and remembered her strength, her love, her care;  they knew, they had each become the people they were today because she was their mother.  She gave the world nine of the most beautiful souls on this earth and she was delighted by each one of them every single day of her life.

So tonight, as I recall her sweet face and the love in her eyes every time one of her children called or came to see her, I’m inspired.  Inspired to be the kind of mother Cecelia was to her children.  The kind of woman who understands the gift she has been given and the responsibility of it all.  The kind of woman who counts her blessings and appreciates the goodness of the children she raised and the lives they chose to lead…because she was their mom.

It was as if she was an angel that landed here on earth

Her eyes sparkling with a mischievous light

And her laughter full of mirth

A gentle spirit with a loving firm hand

A wise woman who loved a good man

Who gave her all that he could give

And showed his love in the courageous life he lived

A home full of children and warmth she did bring

Nine smiles and nine faces of happiness ring

Through her love shining in the lives of her nine

Their goodness and success her sweetest wine

An angelic smile and gentle ways

Her love of life, her hope to stay

As strong as she could forever be

To watch it grow, her family tree

She was a mother, first and foremost

Her heart with each one and her voice always close

She will be greatly missed but loved again and again

And all will listen for her wings in the wind.

Happiness Begins at Home

I love the quote by Oscar Wilde, “be yourself, everyone else is taken”.  I read this quote somewhere a few years ago and have remembered it ever since.  I’m reminded of it today as I sit and watch my daughter simply be content at being herself.  I’m sure every mom, at some point in her life, has reveled in the beauty of watching her child grow into a dynamic individual, but today, today I recognized it more than usual and it felt so amazing that I’m having difficulty finding the words to explain it. 

In the process of writing “She’s Finding Happy”, I’ve discovered it wasn’t just my daughter’s life long happiness that was at stake during my divorce; but mine as well.  I did what most mom’s instinctively do, fight fiercely for our babies and seek out the best possible answers and actions to guide them successfully until they can fly on their own.   However, we sometimes forget about ourselves and perhaps get lost in the constant effort to make their lives better.   Early on, during the transition to single parenthood, I was lovingly reminded by my very wise, Auntie Ellen, to make a conscious effort to take care of my mind and my heart.  For that would be an important building block to raising  my daughter.  Her insight was beautifully correct and my attitude, my consistent effort to create personal self-acceptance and self-confidence did and still does affect my daughter’s world.  I found that my attitude towards just about everything in my life was and continues to be one of the most powerful parenting tools I have, and I don’t think I’ve given it enough credit, until now.

I know I haven’t done everything perfectly, and I’m still working on my parenting skills, but what I can see clearly is the benefit of keeping my head right and by that  I mean, focusing on what matters and staying as positive as possible.

Finding the “happy” in life can be a challenge sometimes because let’s face it, life can be difficult.  However, happiness is never out of reach, we just each need to figure out how to tap into it by doing things like taking a break now and  then.  Setting aside time for ourselves.   It can also be found by learning to love yourself and all of the many things that make you special, as a woman, as a mom and as a friend.  When our children see before them a glimpse of self-acceptance and inner peace in us, they tend to view themselves in the same manner and learn to love who they are and who they will eventually be; this being the building blocks of their self-confidence.   Our children, afterall, follow our example and if we are truly happy, we are exuding the kind of attitude that contributes to a successful life.  And make no mistake, they are watching our every move.

So, today, I simply want to impart a valuable consideration; to love who you are, embrace your strengths, your weaknesses, be your own cheerleader and focus on the things that make you a vibrant, successful woman.   You’ll begin to feel a satisfaction and contentment that will result in a kind of happiness that will overflow into every area of your life, including your child’s life.

Turning Tides in the Midst of a Tailspin

I think it was the unfinished “to do” list that finally sent me into a tailspin. I was under a ton of pressure at work and trying to unnoticeably skip out of a mind-numbing meeting so that I could pick up my daughter and transfer her to an after school activity, while ignoring phone calls from a young co-worker who was unable to handle anything without me there to hold her hand.  Adding to the frantic tailspin, which had been set off by the list of things dangling out there for me to complete, it appeared that I had less in my checking account than the list of bills in my hands and to add insult to injury, I was wearing a pair of shoes that desperately needed to be introduced to the bottom of a trash barrel, but instead, were beautifully and creatively colored in by the brown sharpie I found in my desk earlier that morning.   I was going to look fantastic at my next meeting. NOT!

I wanted, at that very moment, to runaway.

This was, without a doubt, a poignant moment in my life, a realization that I had two choices; one, to of course, runaway, which wasn’t realistic or responsible, or two, to adjust my attitude and face my life with the courage and fortitude that I knew was inside of me…somewhere.

I wasn’t in the mood for insight and introspection but I knew this wasn’t just about me, it was also very much about my child and because my life and my attitude so drastically affected my daughters world, I began to consider the options and focus on what really mattered to me.  That, my friends, changed my life and more than likely, my daughter’s as well.

As Harriet Beecher Stowe so beautifully articulated; “When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn”.  All I can say is “you go Harriett”! 

Attitude, when thoughtfully considered, is one of our best life tools.  It’s the shovel that helps us scoop out the rocks and weeds that are keeping us from growing and succeeding in life.  It’s also the one thing we ALWAYS have control over.  We are unequivocally in control our anger, our fear and our happiness.  It’s a state of mind that only we can create. 

I had a good cry that day because I felt so completely defeated; however, looking back, I’m grateful that I eventually pulled myself together (with the help of a chocolate shake) and not just for me, for my little girl as well.  I also made a decision that became a bit of self-discovery, to finally give myself a break.  I had been in survival mode since my divorce and had pushed myself to an unhealthy extreme.  It’s liberating to realize how much control we have over our lives and it all begins with our attitude.

Time For Dinner

I believe one of the best parts of being a mom is listening to all of the wildly funny and crazy things our children say.  I love to listen to my daughter talk about life from her perspective.  She see’s the world in such a different light and often times it prompts me to take a second look at the way I view the world and those in it. 

Some of the most rewarding and interesting conversations I’ve had with my child through the years has been while sitting around the dinner table.   When she was very young I remember thinking I could hardly wait to hear what was going on in that cute little blond head of hers.  It seemed I really couldn’t get much out of her until it was time to sit down and eat dinner.  Even now when I ask, “how was school?” I get the standard, “fine”.   But when dinner rolls around and I manage to coax her to the dinner table, I get all of the delicious details of the day!  

I’ve always been an advocate of the family dinner time but even more so after my divorce.  And, mom’s, allow me to be very honest about this; it was a mental and emotional challenge for me to work all day, pick up my daughter from after-school care, help her with homework, cook dinner, finish household chores, etc.  In addition, there were the “hug me” evenings.  I’m a realist and I completely understand the challenges involved here, especially if you have multiple children in a single parent home.  However, that being said, it’s vital to create “the dinner time”.  The benefits of sitting down together to eat dinner are enormous.   It’s an opportunity to connect with your child, talk about the days events, talk about things that are important to them and to you.  There are a few websites full of information regarding the benefits of eating dinner together; one of my favorites is the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services website.  It provides detailed and statistical information on the benefits of a family mealtime in addition to providing resources for assistance if needed.  I recommend this link: http://family.samhsa.gov/get/mealtime.aspx.

Once you’ve read the statistics on the children who eat dinner regularly with their families, you will find the discipline and effort placed into this evening meal with your own family is worth every ounce of extra work.

To help make this a little easier, I’ve created a few quick ideas that worked for me and should help make it more fun for you and your family.

#1 – Plan a menu

I know, it’s that dreaded word, plan!  With everything that’s on your “plate” planning a weekly menu can be a real challenge; however, there’s no need to overwhelm yourself by planning a full week’s menu, you can plan three or four meals at one time and come up with a fun dinner out or a “serendipity” night (everyone gets to have what they want, as long as its healthy).  My daughter still loves “serendipity/anything goes” nights because I let her eat her favorite cereal and a cup of yogurt or we make eggs and toast or sometimes we even make pancakes for dinner.  Add a cup of fruit or cottage cheese and you’ve got yourself a room full of happy and healthy kids.  Just continue to remind yourself to keep things simple and don’t stress over dinner.  The key is having dinner together and listening to all the fantastic things that happened to your child during the day.  Once again, it’s about creating a secure environment that makes your child feel loved.  Providing them your undivided attention at the dinner table goes a long way to helping develop a happy and well-adjusted child.

When you plan your menu try to get everyone involved.  Take a few minutes each weekend to plan a few meals for the following week.  Give your child/children a list of dinners that you know they like and you feel comfortable cooking and let them choose the menu.  This gets everyone involved and makes it easier for you because now your menu is planned.  Place a corkboard, whiteboard, or small chalkboard in your kitchen and post the daily dinner menu.  Most children are extremely visual and it’s exciting for them to see the dinner menu, especially in the morning as they are walking out the door to school.  I’ve often heard my daughter say, “Yea! It’s taco night!” 

#2 – Give everyone a dinner duty

Everyone old enough to carry a dinner plate should have a dinner duty.  Whether you have one child or five, carve out a particular duty for each child during the dinner hour.  It can be as small as clearing the table and bringing dishes to the sink or placing the silverware on the table, stirring the sauce (supervised of course) while you cut up the vegetables.  Whatever you feel they can handle is what you should assign them to do during dinner time. Giving your child/children a dinner duty will build self-confidence and create positive dinner habits for a lifetime.

#3 – Have a themed dinner night

To help my daughter get excited about helping out with dinner, I would occasionally create a themed dinner night, such as a “Fiesta night” which included tacos and pink lemonade.   If I wanted to cook spaghetti with meatballs, I’d call it our “Fun in Italy Night”.  I’d ask her to draw a picture for the table that would match our theme and help me decide the menu based on the theme.  It was a lot of fun for both of us and took some of the stress out of planning dinner. 

#4 – Enjoy a living room picnic

Okay, this was and continues to be so much fun that we probably do it more than we should.  Most of the time I required the television to be turned off during dinner but during our “picnics” I would put in one of her favorite movies.  This isn’t something I would recommend every night but there’s just something so fun about moving the coffee table out-of-the-way, placing a big blanket on the living room floor and having a picnic for dinner.  Sometimes I would even pack up her favorite sandwich and fruit in a picnic basket to help make it feel as if we were really on a picnic.  I’ve served just about everything imaginable during our living room picnics but I think her favorite was Mac and Cheese. 

Today, we make homemade pizzas on the grill and when they are ready we place them on a big platter and get comfortable on the living room floor in front of our favorite movie. 

#5 – No dinner dishes!

I’m a firm believer in cooking at home for many reasons, one of them is simply cost another is making healthy food choices; however, sometimes its fun to have a special night out at a favorite restaurant.  So, if it’s in the budget, let your child pick their favorite restaurant and give yourselves a fun night out together. 

During our first few post-divorce years my daughter and I had a favorite restaurant that we frequented.  To this day she remembers having our once a week out-to-dinner night.  She remembers what she ordered, how we sat outside and talked about the day and most of all, how much she enjoyed that time together.  It was time and money well spent.

Well, Mom’s, I hope I’ve inspired your inner chef and you will begin your own family dinner rituals that will help you place a little “happy” in your family’s day.

One side note:  There are many meal choices when it comes to cooking for your family so I asked my sister and professional chef, Karista Bennett, to kindly develop a recipe section for the H.A.P.P.Y. Plan.  Some of her favorites will be listed in an easy recipe section of the book.  However, until the book is ready, you can visit her website for even more family friendly recipes at www.karistaskitchen.com.

Multi-Tasking Mommy in High Heels!

We females are a multi-tasking, creative, crazy bunch!  I mean who else would sweep up breakfast crumbs in a robe, high heels and hot rollers or use a hair dryer to dry off a spot on a favorite blouse that you just soaked with soap and water, which is currently on your person, or for Heaven’s sake, use an eyelash curler? 

If you think about it long enough you will notice that we Mommy’s do such crazy little things to keep our life and our family’s lives in order.  This was an honest to goodness epiphany today, as I was conducting a quick ironing job on the front of my shirt, which incidentally, I had decided to wear at the very last-minute because most of the clean laundry was still in a pile on my bed waiting for what I call “a laundry party”. 

I was running late because when I returned home from dropping my daughter at school, I thought it would be a good idea to pick up the house so when we arrived home for the evening everything would feel more organized, and for me, less stressful.  Anyway, I decided to iron only the front of my shirt, as I was running out of time, and came up with a creative shortcut…a sweater over the shirt!  I could simply throw on a cute little sweater and shorten the whole process!

The down side to this brilliant idea is that I happen to live in an extremely warm climate and it didn’t occur to me, at the time, I might need to peel off a layer at some point during the day.  Well, I arrive to work, and of course, I’m immediately requested to attend an impromptu meeting in the warmest conference room in the building.

During the meeting the time comes when I can no longer stand the sweltering high temperature and I begin to take off the sweater.  Half way through this de-sweaterization process I remembered I had only ironed the front of my shirt!  So, I sat in a meeting for longer than I had anticipated and at a temperature of catastrophic proportions (at least that’s how it felt at the time).  When I finally got back to my office where I could take off the sweater without showing anyone that I had not ironed the back of my shirt, I fell into my chair and laughed out loud at myself…

By the end of the day, I had received two phone calls from my daughter pleading from the other end of the line…”when will you be here, I’m so hungry”.  “Be there soon”, I promise, as I make a mad dash to the grocery to pick up a few things for dinner.  I power walk through the blurry aisles of food grabbing at things I think will be yummy.  A little gorgonzola, some fresh mango, organic romaine, a salmon fillet and a piece of chocolate that I desperately needed!  (I’ve learned how to power walk through Publix Grocery because I’ve spent so much time on the phone with my sister while standing in front of aisles and aisles of food trying to feel confident enough to pick out a few key ingredients to make a meal.)  I remembered I had one rib eye steak sitting in the meat drawer of the fridge so as I drive home I decide to make monster salads with everyone’s favorite toppings. 

I made it through the door, both dogs jumping on me as if they had not seen me in a year and my teenager on the sofa with her computer, looking at me as if she would die in the next two minutes unless someone placed food in her mouth.  “What’s for dinner?” I hear coming from a non-disclosed area on the sofa.  Oh, it’s a surprise!  I hear another noise coming from the sofa but now I think it’s a low sounding Grrrrrr.  I grilled a small steak for my daughter and my husband and a salmon filet for myself; sliced them and placed on three large bowls of mixed greens with gorgonzola cheese, fresh diced mango, almonds and our favorite dressings.  Phew!  There it was, dinner on the table in about 30 minutes and me standing there admiring my ability to live life in my high heels…only a woman could pull this off…you know?

Check out this quick and easy dinner recipe on www.karistaskitchen.com.

Mommy’s “Hug Me” Time

Since I posted “H” is for Hugs a few days ago, I’ve had a few mom’s ask me for specifics about the “Hug me” time that I created for my daughter and myself. 

The very first step in the H.A.P.P.Y. Plan is “Hugs” and lots of them because they are so very healing.  Here are a few quick steps to helping you create your own “Hug me” time with your child: 

“Hug me” time should be anywhere from five to fifteen minutes in duration. 

Step 1:  Try to complete your child’s daily tasks.  

It’s important to have everything completed so you and your child do not feel any stress or pressure.  Your “Hug me” time is valuable and it’s important to be able to get the most out of it.  So, finish dinner, homework, bath time, bed time rituals like brushing teeth or combing hair, etc.  You may have to finish the dinner dishes, balance the check book and return emails later. For the next several minutes, focus on making sure your child’s world calm and settled with all loose ends neatly tucked in.  

Step 2:  Create a quiet environment. 

Be sure to turn off the television, game consoles, computers, Ipods, etc.  Don’t answer the phone, text message or email.  As difficult as it may be, simply cut yourself off from the outside world for a few minutes. 

Step 3:  Create a sleepy environment 

By this I mean turn lights down low, close blinds or shades making it easy to relax and eventually fall asleep.  Play soft music if it tends to calm your child. 

Step 4:  Find a comfortable place to hold your child. 

I used a rocking chair but it can be a sofa, a cuddly place on the floor with lots of pillows and stuffed animals, or if they’re older and too big for your lap, you can sit beside them on their bed and put your arms around them.  Just be sure everyone is completely comfortable. 

Step 5:  Tell your child this is our “Hug me” time and try to keep things very quiet.  If they talk, let them, but keep it soft and low so they feel relaxed.  Sometimes I would softly sing a song or hum a tune if I felt my daughter was having trouble settling down.  

It would be optimal to repeat this exercise at least three to four times a week or more if your schedule allows.  If you have more than one child, the key is to assign everyone their “Hug me” time and stick to it.  If you can’t squeeze everyone in on one evening, than assign each child their “Hug me” day.  Ex: Alex has Monday, Amelia has Tuesday and Max has Wednesday.   For a busy working single Mom, I realize this seems like added pressure to your day, but you will find once you make time for this exercise, you will look forward to it as much as your child does. 

Our “Hug me” time was without a doubt one of the things that helped my daughter and I through the initial stages of divorce.  It allowed me the opportunity to reconnect with my child after having been in crisis mode for such a long period of time.  Crisis mode is fine for a while, but it takes its toll on you and your child especially if you can’t seem to move on from the crisis.  It’s imperative to get back to a point where you can once again focus on your child’s emotional needs.  It will not only make your child stronger, it will make you stronger as well.

Enjoy your “Hug me” time and feel free to send me some feedback!

What Makes Mommy Happy?

A clean house!

I’m an organizational maniac; seriously.  Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me because its hard for me to actually sit down and enjoy a TV Show or read a book unless my house is in order.  There are days when I come home from work and I just want to cry because all I can see around me are the things that are out-of-place.  Dishes in the sink, dog toys strung across the floor, blankets left on the sofa where my teenager was napping, pillows tossed about and little paw prints down the hallway from wet puppy feet!  Ugh!!! 

I take a deep breath and I try, I really try to not let this get under my skin because in reality it’s the least of my worries.  However, my compulsion to have everything organized takes over and I begin a frantic, yet systematic, tour of my house to pick up, wipe down and gently organize back into a more civil space.  I’ve always been this way and although it’s a good thing to be organized and clean, it can potentially be a bad thing for the ones you love because your so busy tidying up that you pass right by the sweet faces that make your life worth living.

Without over analyzing the situation, I think sometimes my compulsion to have my home organized will somehow spill into the rest of my life and magically make the rest of it organized and less out of control…oh, you mommy’s know exactly what I mean.  Whether you work in the home or outside the home, there are simply days, even weeks that you feel you will never have your life in order again.  Someone always needs something from you and because you are a woman and a mommy, you willingly, lovingly and sometimes begrudgingly, overextend yourself.  I have realized this is not just my issue, it’s an issue that many mom’s struggle with, whether married or single. 

Last night as I was multi-tasking my heart out by finishing up my taxes, taking the dishes out of the dishwasher and simultaneously feeding the dogs; I was also trying ever so patiently to listen to my daughter’s wonderful story about her day in French class.  I finally just stopped everything and looked at her and listened.  It felt so awesome to be included in her world and at that very moment I knew in my heart that she was my motivation for all of this.  She was the calm in my storm and the storm in my calm…I’ve always interpreted a clean and organized space as a gift, something that I can give someone to tell them I love them and really, all she needed from me at that moment was my undivided attention.  

I read something yesterday that really tugged at my heart and I feel it’s worth sharing…

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from “If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”

Although this is not a part of the official H.A.P.P.Y. plan, it’s an extension of the thoughts and practices that can help us all raise happy kids. 

So this evening, when you walk into your house and you feel as if  it is waging war on your mind, yelling profanities at you because the floors need to be mopped and the dishes need to be washed, put your things down and take a walk with your child to talk about the day or sit on the floor, dirt and all, and go through their homework or read one of their favorite books.  Give a little and we will all get back alot. 

Have a HAPPY day!!

The H. In H.A.P.P.Y.

H is for Hugs! 

Lots and lots of hugs!  Hugs are such a wonderful way to show your children, or anyone really, how much they mean to you.  Have you just sat and thought about how a big hug from someone you love makes you feel inside?  We call it having the “warm and fuzzies” at our house.  I love warm and fuzzy and our kids do to.  

Here’s an example of how something as simple as HUGS have affected my life and my daughters life: 

I love the outdoors so when my daughter was old enough to hike with me, I would take her to a state park close to our home and spend the afternoon hiking Pinnacle Mountain.   It was like Heaven…in the fall glorious shades of red, orange and yellow peppered the sides of the mountain.  In the spring it was as if every wild flower in the universe had suddenly popped up out of the ground.  I loved those hikes and so did Aubrey.  I would often say to her during these mini hiking excursions, “look at the beautiful trees or the lovely flowers, it’s as if God is giving us a great big bear hug today!”  She would stop and look all around her, taking in everything her little eyes could see and imagine.  I wasn’t sure she understood this fun and quirky perspective of mine, but I liked saying it to her anyway. 

When Aubrey was nine, I took her on a kayaking trip on the Indian River, just near Vero Beach, Florida.  It was her spring break from school and we were looking forward to a few days off.  We set out on our four hour kayaking journey and along the way; a very large mother manatee and her baby swam alongside of our kayak until we made it to our half-way resting point.   It was one of the most spectacular sites I’ve ever experienced and Aubrey was equally as thrilled by this magical moment.  When we made it to shore, she jumped out of the kayak and exclaimed to me, “Mom, God just gave us a ginormous bear hug!”   It was at that moment when I realized she had soaked in all of the moments we had previously discussed and now she completely understood the beauty of a “hug”.  

We all need hugs but our children really need hugs…hugs are healing, hugs are inspirational, hugs make us feel secure and this brings me to the first part of the H.A.P.P.Y. plan, HUGS.   

Soon after my divorce, I enrolled myself and my daughter into family counseling.  I couldn’t afford much but I found a local family counseling facility that charged according to my income.  It was a healthy and healing experience and we came away with tips and tools to help us both manage this life-changing event.  

One of the tips provided to me by our counselor was to begin a nightly ritual of holding my daughter.  Not just giving her a hug goodnight, but really sitting down and holding each other.   I decided to take this advice and I put my own “spin” on it creating a ”game like” approach to the nightly holding; it ended up being the best part of our day.  We called it our “hug me” time.    

Every evening before bed we’d finish our “bedtime rituals”, brushing teeth, reading a book, etc. and then I would hold my little girl in our favorite rocking chair.  She was a small five, almost six year old, so I held her cheek to cheek so she could lay her head down on my chest or shoulder.  I would wrap my arms around her and simply rock.  I told her this was our “hug me” time and it was very special.  It was such an awesome experience for me and for my daughter.  The benefits were displayed in her ability to sleep all night, wake up in a good mood and seem well adjusted to her new surroundings.     

I found, very quickly, that when I made the time to follow through on our “hug me” time she was much better-behaved and seemed happier.  She responded to my instructions, seemed to do better in class; it was a delightfully surprising result.  It was also very good for me.  I didn’t realize how much I benefited from these 15 minutes each evening.  I would tuck her in and kiss her goodnight and I felt so good that I didn’t even mind cleaning up the dinner dishes.   I kept up this nightly ritual for about two years.  After that, we found new ways to spend “hug me” time.  Sometimes it was as simple as laying on her bed with her and making up stories about fairies and angels and made up places that she desperately wanted to see. 

My daughter is a teenager now and she learned a long time ago how to identify when she needed a hug or needed to be held.  And although she’s too big to hold on my lap for 15 minutes every night, she still, on occasion, comes to me and says “mom, I really need some hugs”.  I love that she knows when she needs to be held tight and I love that she still asks me.  It’s a bond I will forever treasure.